Sitting here in Ali's apartment, I have no ties or obligations holding me to anything. I have no need to be awake right now. But I am, unfortunately, and obviously I'm awake for a reason. 

It's been way too long since I've blogged but I guess the start of summer is better than never. Tali's currently showering and will be THRILLED when she opens up this page and looks at it. Teehee. She just walked by me and stuck her tongue out and she HAS NO CLUE. This one's for you, Tal.

So I opened Wedding Singer this weekend. And it was fantastic. I forgot how much I really missed the 8 shows a week type deal. Now granted it wasn't 8 shows, but it was 7 if you count tech and all that crazy stuff. Everyone was bitching yesterday about having a double, which is understandable. But GOD I loved it. I really and truly forgot how much of an outlet performing became for me last summer, and how much it fucked me up when I didn't have it anymore. I think it was partly why I was such a miserable wreck when I got back, although I only saw the main cause as the reason for a very long time. It's a nice reminder to have that I'm still doing this for a reason, and that I really really really love it. I wish I was doing it 13 hours a week again this summer, but I guess everyone needs a break. Hmph.

I'm taking into consideration Stephen Sondheim's song "Move On" from Sunday this summer in that "If you can know where you're going, you've already gone." I don't know where this summer will lead me, and for the first time I think I'm okay with that. 

Pause. It's 11:11. 

I think I'm finally trusting that life will take me the places I need to go without having to take myself there all the time. I have my goals though! Of course I need goals.

-I want to get my SAG card pretty much more than anything.

-I want to continue toning and get comp cards done.

-I want to spend amazing time with my girls who are such a necessary part of my life.

-I want to go to Oregon and see my family who I haven't seen in 7 years; this includes rolling down sand dunes, collecting sand dollars while blasting Jason Mraz in my ear and eating too much Ice Cream.

-I want to see Jason Mraz in concert. 

-I'd like to end the summer with more money than I started with, but I know that's fairly unrealistic.

See! Goals! They're good starting points, but don't have to go anywhere. This is good. And damn, if the weather stayed here with the cool breeze blowing through Ali's window and the smell of hash browns wafting up from Court Street, I'd be flyin high. I, unfortunately, know the full heat is comin. Sigh. 

I think I need Dunkin Blueberry coffee and a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. Thank God for NYC.

errr.

So I wasn't called back for Red Light Winter. Which I'm actually not that upset about ... I think I kinda knew after I saw him today that I wouldn't be, but I don't know. There's a decent amount of performing prospects right now so I guess the fact that there's other stuff going on is making it okay.

Lee check his Facebook and hasn't messaged me back about whether or not they're coming down this weekend. I mean, I'm assuming not, cuz he just got a brand new job, but at least message me back. I'm going crazy here. Ali said out loud today that it's ridiculous that we continue to depend on guys for our happiness and it's so true and I hate it. Like I can be happy without him, but I was so much happier when I was with him. Rarrrr!

I discovered the breakfast buffet at Dante's in between Rosella's and Panini and I'm IN LOVE. 3.25/lb breakfast buffet? Pace's is twice as much and the food is AWFUL. Mmmm I love good breakfast and I'm probably gonna eat this too much but oh well.

I burned 400 calories today at the gym. I ran for a mile, speed-walked for a mile uphill and then ran for another mile. It's funny, once I start it's not that hard for me to just keep going. And that's what I did. And I watched a great episode of Family Guy. The gym is starting to become my personal time, which is nice. I don't really think about a lot while I'm there. It's just me and my body and whatever weights or machines I may be using. There's not much more room to think about anything. I hope this stays.

I want him back. And I want to be in a show.
Isn't it sad that that's the order that came out in? UGH!

I'm gonna sleep before I eat something.

long time.

I went to go update this blog about 40 times in the last month, but haven't. I think it was both conscious and subconscious; I hate admitting things to myself sometimes, and writing them down here makes them real. I think that was the main reason. So here it is. Here's the last month.

Saying goodbye to him was incredibly hard. I tried not to cry in front of him, I really did. And I kept it together for the most part. I gave him a teddy bear named Jenny (he always called me Jenny, after Jenny from Forrest Gump) and a little toy truck that looked like the one he drove around all summer. There was a necklace I left in his room in the beginning of the summer that ended up hanging on his wall the whole time ... it's this little heart necklace with a piece that slides out, and I have a bunch of different colored hearts you can slide in. Of course the one in there was red. So I ended up putting the necklace around Jenny's neck, and he told me no, that he couldn't keep the whole thing. So he slid out the red heart peice and gave it back to me. And now he has half of my heart. And I don't think that's just symbollic. I think it's real.

I really depended on him for my happiness for awhile. My days would be fine, but coming home at night to a beer-filled boy watching the game and eating easy mac and in his dirty white hat brightened my day to no end. And I lost that. And I got back to the city in such a whirl that I didn't realize it at first, but one night I completely broke down and realized what was really gone. Going from sleeping with someone every night to an empty bed ... that's tougher than I would have realized.

I saw him two weeks after I left. It felt like 2 years, but it was only 2 weeks. He was here, visiting the city with his best friend who he always wanted me to meet. We hung out in Central Park and went to the Superhero exhibit at the Met. And it was fine. It was nice seeing him, but it wasn't the same. I think we felt like we had to act differently, but we ended up falling back into our old pattern of banter and joking and what not.

And then I saw him last weekend. I was freaking out beforehand, not gonna lie. But he called me back and he wanted to see me and that meant so much. Probably too much, but whatever. So I met him at his apartment and we hugged. And we played with his kitties. Yes, he got 2 kitties. A BOY WHO LOVES CATS WHAT THE FUCK NO BOY LIKES CATS. LeRoy is the cutest thing in the world, and reminds me of my old cat Sparky. So we played and then we went to a party with his roommate who really started out as a dick but I ended up liking in the end. So we went and played beer pong and I was terrible when I played with him cuz I get so nervous around him cuz I want to impress him and it ends up going not as planned and I'm a wreck, have I mentioned that?

So we played beer pong until like 4 AM. It was great, it was just four of us in the end. We left by ourselves and walked back to where we could catch a cab. And we walked and talked and were silly and God I missed him. We caught a cab back to his place and well, you all probably know the rest. I'm not big into gory, public details about my sex life but it was wonderful.

He had work at 10AM, so consequently that didn't leave a lot of time for morning talk or cuddling or anything. But he kissed me goodbye. And that meant so much. SO much. And as he was leaving he kept looking back at me, which made me feel like he didn't want to leave.

And that's Lee. That's the update. On to my life.

I started going to therapy. I think it's gonna be really good for me. My therapists name is Raymond, so I'm going to refer to him as such from now on.

We talk a lot about my control issues. We talk a lot about Lee. We just talk. And I cry, every session, about something, which makes me know that I keep so much more bottled up inside than I ever could have imagined. But it's making me realize that I need to let things out more, that I need to be more open and honest, and that I have a lot I haven't emotionally worked through.

I wasn't cast in any mainstage shows, and Amy told me that it's because right now I'm blending. That I'm just fine, and nothing more. So I'm trying to find my unique qualities? That's what I'm supposed to be doing, but how the fuck does one do that. Honestly. I think I'm hoping therapy will help me get in touch more with my true emotions, and how I feel about things, and all of that. But how do I just pull out my unique qualities?

I'm extremely frustrated as an actress currently. I feel lost in my own world, so I find it hard to apply myself to any character. And I honestly don't know how I feel about voice and rep. Because my voice is such a work in progress, I feel so unsteady. I have to think about so many things at once between placing the song and singing correctly and acting choices and punctuation and phrasing and UGH. Who can think about that much? Amy told me to practice more, so I'm trying. I really am. But life sometimes gets in the way.

Idk, I guess that's life. RA life is fine. Yeah, it's work, but damn is it worth it. I have a great floor of residents and am very happy with the way it's all worked out. KNOCK ON WOOD.

I have three auditions this week. I'm obsessed with Red Light Winter. Real obsessed. I need to go pick a monologue.

I'm gonna go do that.

5 days.

And its done. 5 days and its all over.

This summer went impossibly fast, and I don't know how to handle it. It feels like years ago that I got here, yet feels like no time has passed at all. I've made a lot more friends than I first figured and am excited to be back in New York to see them. I'm also excited to get back to New York to start my sophomore year, my first year as an RA, and maybe even perform in my first Pace mainstage production. I'm excited to go to IKEA and decorate my room and have my own room and bathroom for the first time in my life. I'm excited for Voice and Rep and Voice and Movement. I'm excited.

And as happy as I am to go back to the city, there's a huge reason why I would kill to stay here forever. I haven't laughed as much as I laugh with him with any other boy I've been with. I haven't been as motivated or silly or passionate or anything. He's incredible. He naps and I can't sleep. He eats and I'm not hungry.

And he doesn't want to do long distance. He doesn't want this to continue. I've completely attached myself to a time bomb, because in 5 days, he's pretty much dead to me. It's like I know this is gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, cuz if I just get pissy and mopey around him, I highly doubt that will be more motivation for him to keep this going. But every time we leave each other, I'm reminded of the fact that this will be for good in 5 days. I'm a mess. I'm a complete and utter mess and I don't think I've come to terms with what's really happening.

And I just finished Breaking Dawn. And it was beautiful. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Have I mentioned I'm a mess right now?

today.

Rehearsal 10-12.
Lunch 12-1.
Rehearsal 1-5.
Dinner 5-6.
Rehearsal 6-8.
Gym 8-9.
Fittings 9-10.
Applebees 10-11:30.
Fittings 11:30-12:30.

Mmmm you all wanna know about summer stock? Yup, that's it.

carousel is stuck in my headdd.

Sooo Boston was really fun ... we were there for literally 10 hours, 4 of which were spent sleeping, but it was a lot of fun. It only took us an hour and a half, and we ended up hanging out and playing beer pong with some of Lee's friends at their apartment. Their place was sick-- they built a keg in their living room and have this insane table for pong. After we chilled with them we walked down to the Charles River docks, which was gorgeous. I wish I was more awake to enjoy it!

Saw Always .. Patsy Cline last night at our theater and it was adorable! The space is great and I'm really excited to put Carousel up. Our costume designer got in last night and he's awesome .. his initials are D.W. and that's the name he goes by, so we had an immediate connection. He just designed the costumes for Broadway Bares, and they looked FUCKING FIERCE.

Seth called last night and we talked for awhile .. I feel like he's watching me, because as soon as I start to get involved with someone else, he calls and we have a great convo and things feel like the way they used to be. I really do miss him. He's gonna be in New York for like 3 hours when he goes to Europe and it's killing me that I'm not gonna be able to see him. Sigh.

But I really. Really. REALLY. Like Lee.

=)

new hampshire: take two.

Big party last night! Lots and lots of fun. We drank too much, sucked at beer pong and bonded nicely. I have a serious thing for Lee .. we are absolutely retarded together but in a really, really adorable way. I think we're going down to Boston tonight cuz he wants some stuff from his apartment and we have the day off tomorrow .. who knew it's only an hour and a half away! Should be tons of fun.

We ran this first act of Carousel today ... it looks great! The leads are AWESOME .. Scott, who plays Billy, sings the shit out of Soliloquy and it makes my life. We're like halfway through Act II and still have like a week and a half before we open. Definitely moving right along!

Haha, Lee, Davin, Ashley and I all made a pact to lead healthier lifestyles, so Lee and Davin aren't allowed to smoke anymore, Ashley has to stop drinking Red Bull and I have to go to the gym every day. Mmmmmmm let's see if it holds up!

Kayyyy, I'm goin to Boston. PEACE!