errr.

So I wasn't called back for Red Light Winter. Which I'm actually not that upset about ... I think I kinda knew after I saw him today that I wouldn't be, but I don't know. There's a decent amount of performing prospects right now so I guess the fact that there's other stuff going on is making it okay.

Lee check his Facebook and hasn't messaged me back about whether or not they're coming down this weekend. I mean, I'm assuming not, cuz he just got a brand new job, but at least message me back. I'm going crazy here. Ali said out loud today that it's ridiculous that we continue to depend on guys for our happiness and it's so true and I hate it. Like I can be happy without him, but I was so much happier when I was with him. Rarrrr!

I discovered the breakfast buffet at Dante's in between Rosella's and Panini and I'm IN LOVE. 3.25/lb breakfast buffet? Pace's is twice as much and the food is AWFUL. Mmmm I love good breakfast and I'm probably gonna eat this too much but oh well.

I burned 400 calories today at the gym. I ran for a mile, speed-walked for a mile uphill and then ran for another mile. It's funny, once I start it's not that hard for me to just keep going. And that's what I did. And I watched a great episode of Family Guy. The gym is starting to become my personal time, which is nice. I don't really think about a lot while I'm there. It's just me and my body and whatever weights or machines I may be using. There's not much more room to think about anything. I hope this stays.

I want him back. And I want to be in a show.
Isn't it sad that that's the order that came out in? UGH!

I'm gonna sleep before I eat something.

long time.

I went to go update this blog about 40 times in the last month, but haven't. I think it was both conscious and subconscious; I hate admitting things to myself sometimes, and writing them down here makes them real. I think that was the main reason. So here it is. Here's the last month.

Saying goodbye to him was incredibly hard. I tried not to cry in front of him, I really did. And I kept it together for the most part. I gave him a teddy bear named Jenny (he always called me Jenny, after Jenny from Forrest Gump) and a little toy truck that looked like the one he drove around all summer. There was a necklace I left in his room in the beginning of the summer that ended up hanging on his wall the whole time ... it's this little heart necklace with a piece that slides out, and I have a bunch of different colored hearts you can slide in. Of course the one in there was red. So I ended up putting the necklace around Jenny's neck, and he told me no, that he couldn't keep the whole thing. So he slid out the red heart peice and gave it back to me. And now he has half of my heart. And I don't think that's just symbollic. I think it's real.

I really depended on him for my happiness for awhile. My days would be fine, but coming home at night to a beer-filled boy watching the game and eating easy mac and in his dirty white hat brightened my day to no end. And I lost that. And I got back to the city in such a whirl that I didn't realize it at first, but one night I completely broke down and realized what was really gone. Going from sleeping with someone every night to an empty bed ... that's tougher than I would have realized.

I saw him two weeks after I left. It felt like 2 years, but it was only 2 weeks. He was here, visiting the city with his best friend who he always wanted me to meet. We hung out in Central Park and went to the Superhero exhibit at the Met. And it was fine. It was nice seeing him, but it wasn't the same. I think we felt like we had to act differently, but we ended up falling back into our old pattern of banter and joking and what not.

And then I saw him last weekend. I was freaking out beforehand, not gonna lie. But he called me back and he wanted to see me and that meant so much. Probably too much, but whatever. So I met him at his apartment and we hugged. And we played with his kitties. Yes, he got 2 kitties. A BOY WHO LOVES CATS WHAT THE FUCK NO BOY LIKES CATS. LeRoy is the cutest thing in the world, and reminds me of my old cat Sparky. So we played and then we went to a party with his roommate who really started out as a dick but I ended up liking in the end. So we went and played beer pong and I was terrible when I played with him cuz I get so nervous around him cuz I want to impress him and it ends up going not as planned and I'm a wreck, have I mentioned that?

So we played beer pong until like 4 AM. It was great, it was just four of us in the end. We left by ourselves and walked back to where we could catch a cab. And we walked and talked and were silly and God I missed him. We caught a cab back to his place and well, you all probably know the rest. I'm not big into gory, public details about my sex life but it was wonderful.

He had work at 10AM, so consequently that didn't leave a lot of time for morning talk or cuddling or anything. But he kissed me goodbye. And that meant so much. SO much. And as he was leaving he kept looking back at me, which made me feel like he didn't want to leave.

And that's Lee. That's the update. On to my life.

I started going to therapy. I think it's gonna be really good for me. My therapists name is Raymond, so I'm going to refer to him as such from now on.

We talk a lot about my control issues. We talk a lot about Lee. We just talk. And I cry, every session, about something, which makes me know that I keep so much more bottled up inside than I ever could have imagined. But it's making me realize that I need to let things out more, that I need to be more open and honest, and that I have a lot I haven't emotionally worked through.

I wasn't cast in any mainstage shows, and Amy told me that it's because right now I'm blending. That I'm just fine, and nothing more. So I'm trying to find my unique qualities? That's what I'm supposed to be doing, but how the fuck does one do that. Honestly. I think I'm hoping therapy will help me get in touch more with my true emotions, and how I feel about things, and all of that. But how do I just pull out my unique qualities?

I'm extremely frustrated as an actress currently. I feel lost in my own world, so I find it hard to apply myself to any character. And I honestly don't know how I feel about voice and rep. Because my voice is such a work in progress, I feel so unsteady. I have to think about so many things at once between placing the song and singing correctly and acting choices and punctuation and phrasing and UGH. Who can think about that much? Amy told me to practice more, so I'm trying. I really am. But life sometimes gets in the way.

Idk, I guess that's life. RA life is fine. Yeah, it's work, but damn is it worth it. I have a great floor of residents and am very happy with the way it's all worked out. KNOCK ON WOOD.

I have three auditions this week. I'm obsessed with Red Light Winter. Real obsessed. I need to go pick a monologue.

I'm gonna go do that.