Oops.

Fucked.

Ali and I always say our lives are interesting, but Joe used the word fucked. I think it's more .. appropriate. After reading Tali and Mick' s blogs, I completely agree.

I'm not sure what I've been getting myself involved with lately. I've been going kinda crazy, in the going out kinda way. But I'm not satisfied, not one bit. I think that's what I realized last night. I have a couple of prospects, and I'm not sure if I want either of them. The reality is I can't have anything right now, because summer is coming and that's just stupid.

But the problem lies in the fact that Jay (haha, weird Tali, right?) is the only guy who immediately swept me off my feet, and I've been searching for that, and am not finding it. I mean, Seth was a completely different situation since we talked for so long before we really saw each other, and we had an established relationship when we finally did. But I want that again. And I know it will come in time, and yadda yadda. Idk. I'm just frustrated.

People started to get RA spots in Maria's Tower. Anddd I'm still on the alternate list. It's just really hard knowing people don't deserve it, yet are still being handed the position. And I don't know if I deserve it anymore than them. But I'm sick of having dreams that I got it, and sick of people talking about it constantly, and knowing that so many of my friends are gonna be working together next year in a job that I A) could really use, and B) really really want.

I'm in a bad mood. And I shouldn't be. I have an amazing summer planned, and school is wrapping up, and I'm going to Oklahoma for RHA with some of my favorite people here at school, and I'm living the dream life in New York City and have amazing friends and a wonderful family and the list keeps going.

But I'm not satisfied. And I can't figure out why.

Fuck you Dad. Fuck you for passing your moodiness on to me. I hate when you're moody for no reason and give me attitude about nothing and freak out over little things. And I hate that I inherited those qualities from you. And that I can't control them.

Fucked.

I want to start about talking about my nose, and how I wish it would die. It's the most annoying thing in the world right now. It's red and puffy and icky and dry and I HATE IT. Fuck allergies.

Medea closed. It felt like it never really opened. It went well, and I was finally satisfied after Friday nights show, but we'd been doing it for so long that it wasn't like anything crazy exciting. Our cast party was interesting ... and I'll leave it at that. Teehee.

I'm so done with this semester. Have I mentioned that?

I have nothing to write about. My life has been Medea, and now it's finishing up this semester. Sigh.
Bored now.
♥

good day!

So, at 3:30 today I got a call from Tali that her doctors note was approved. Together we flew to Fulton to make an attempt to get priority housing ... AND IT FUCKING WORKED! Tali and I will be living in a large double together next year. Yes folks, this means living area with a couch, kitchen, dining area, private bathroom and private bedroom. IM SO EXCITED!

And the best news? Ali, Alionka and Deej are three doors down. Honestly, as much as I did wanna live with them, I'm so psyched to live with Tali because we don't spend enough time together as it is, and I feel like we're really gonna get close, and have a kickass time doing it. AND I'll still get to see my girls as much as I do now ... I mean we're not living in the same room in MT, but we're always together.

Medea rehearsal tonight was ridiculous. He started out by throwing-- sorry, chucking Hershey kisses at us every time we did something good, and then it turned into a viewpoints rehearsal, with everything from us having our shirts off to being cowboys to The Rascals to South Park ... the list goes on. It was nice to have a relaxed rehearsal ... we've been ready to open for so long, and I think another run through would just have gotten monotonous.

Mickey and I spent some time together today, finally. I took him to my favorite spot in Little Italy and then we got Pinkberry. We needed some time, and I just felt like he needed some time away from Pace, as did I. It was a beautiful day out and I was glad to be in good company =) NOW IF WE COULD JUST GET THE THREE OF US TOGETHERRR! lol. Mick is our honorary roomie next year ... the couch is ALWAYS reserved for him, so if he happens to not want to sleep over, then it's up for grabs. Teehee. But then again, he may get raped by the tranny announcer who sits on the back of the subway .. CREEPER! Lol.

Registering for courses tonight! I'm not too sure how I feel about my courses. I mean, they're fine, but I hope I enjoy next semester more than this one. CIS will kill my life, and hopefully Forensic Chem will at least be enjoyable. I'm looking forward to Intro to Womens Studies, and am considering taking a minor in it, just because I'm probably gonna have the credits to graduate with it anyway.

Good mood. Good day. ♥

boys there; how many?!

If you don't know the reference of the title of this entry, it's a wonderful song by M.I.A. that completely fits my life right now.

This past week, Ali and I went a littttttle bit crazy. I don't know if it's because we're getting antsy about the end of the semester, or if it's because of the recent developments in her life, but we had the college life that a lotta girls lead in their freshman year. We went out Wednesday. We went out on Thursday. We went out on Friday. We went out on Saturday. WHAT THE FUCK?!? We're out of our minds!

Wednesday was interesting. We went to Ryan's very spur of the moment to meet up with Tommy and Joe, and Joe was acting very strange; blatantly talking about other girls in front of me, being physical with everyone but me .. it was just weird. Thursday, Ali and I decided we were gonna go out dancing! Mmmm, not so much. We ended up at Around the Clock, and somehow ended up at Ryan's AGAIN. Once again, Joe was being shady, but there was some blatant rudeness involved this time. That pissed me off. A lot.

Friday I was supposed to bartend, but due to Don being completely fucked up 24/7, he screwed up the schedule and it didn't end up happening. I went there and met up with some people anyway, and then Matt, Sean and our friend Drew from home showed up. Drew and I were hanging out and talking for awhile (apparently he was macking on me-- I missed that one!) when Charlie walked in. REALLY AWKWARD. We talked a little bit, and after that I was definitely ready to go. So about 6 of us ran in the pouring rain back to MT to grab jackets, umbrellas, etc. and then headed over to Biddies, which was a first for me! It's alright, nothing too special. But it's enormous and they have good music, so I can see why people are into it. Once again, saw Joe. This time his attitude had completely changed, and I was eventually informed of what's really going on. Apparently he likes me, and really respects me as a person, but doesn't want any type of relationship because he's so fucked up (which is true) and he know he'll hurt me. I respect him saying that, but it's still a weird situation. I don't know if I really really like him anyway, but he definitely alters my mood so I think that says something. We ended up all having a really fun night, although Joe and I haven't really discussed anything, but I think we both know what's going on.

Saturday night I was supposed to sleep. I was going to sleep. I was SO EXCITED to sleep. And then, as I'm leaving Astor Place, I get a call from a 631 number that happened to be Kenny; for those of you who don't know, he's my Yale hockey playing ex-boyfriend from back home. He decided that he was going to tell me he was in the city at 12:45 AM on Saturday night, and that he was on 96th and 3rd. FAR. REALLY FAR. But I knew I had to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him since my graduation party. SO I dragged 5 other girls with me and we headed all the way uptown to meet up with him and his 7 hockey-playing friends.

It kinda turned into a bust. It was nice to see him, but he was trashed, I was exhausted, and he obviously wanted to hook up which I honestly am just not into anymore. I'm past it-- way past it. 2 of the girls ended up staying up there for awhile, but I headed back pretty early with the rest of them.

And that was my weekend. INTERESTING. Definitely the word of the week. I wasn't expecting to see Charlie, Joe, Kenny or Drew. And yet they surrounded my weekend. And then there's one more who I haven't seen, but who is probably the only one that actually matters, and that's Mike. I met Mike last weekend at Pace Preview. Lmao. I know. Don't judge. We hit it off and he ended up finding me on Facebook and we've been talking non-stop since. For whatever reason, we connect really well, and I think I just need someone right now who doesn't know my life to talk to with no prior thoughts or judgments. He might be coming to the city next weekend, and I'm looking forward to that. But not getting excited about anything. No expectations. Just living.

It's nice to be distracted. I've definitely had that this weekend. Maybe a couple too many distractions, but oh well.

Oh, and I talked to my dad about this summer and he's completely cool about it, which is a complete WEIGHT lifted from my chest. I get so scared to talk to him. I really need to get past that.

I'm done with this semester. Have I mentioned that? I don't care about classes, I don't have to work in my classes, nothing exciting is happening in my classes. Why would I care? EXACTLY.

Kate Nash is a goddess. She's brilliant. Go listen to her. And go to Pandora.com, because it's changed my life. That's all. Gosh this was long. But needed.

"Cuz it's your life and no one elses sweetheart. Don't let someone put you in a box."
♥

His status: "I haven't been this happy in a long time."

I'm really, really happy for him. I wanted him to have something. I didn't want to hold him back. And that's what has happened.

But I think in my mind we were both gonna find someone. We were both gonna move on together, and still remain friends, and try to find that balance of where we can talk about what things without it getting weird. Where we could both be happy. But he found someone, and I haven't. Which is okay, I'm not in some huge rush. It's just a strange feeling.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just in a weird spot, where I want to know everything, but at the same time I don't, because I still have this weird jealous, protective thing going on.

Things are changing, and I have to accept that I brought along this change. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon.

Sigh.

So, I got a job for this summer. I accomplished my goal of not staying home and sitting on my ass doing community theater ... YAY! I keep thinking it's some kind of joke or something, and that they're gonna call and say, "Oops, nevermind, we didn't really mean it." I'm thrilled beyond belief. It still hasn't completely hit me. AHHHHHH!

Of course, there are a couple of problems that come along with it. I can't go to my step-brothers wedding. I feel terrible, but I have a show that night, and there's absolutely no way I can make it back in time. I can't give up the whole summer because of the wedding ... this is too important to my career and what I want to do with my life. I haven't told my dad yet, and I should probably do that. I never know how he's going to react about things, so I guess this another one we're just gonna have to hope for the best on.

Medea is coming along pretty well. I'm kind of nervous ... I've done my monologue enough now that I'm bored with it, and I don't know what to do about it. This is where that whole 8 shows a week thing comes into play ... it's really difficult to find the passion in it every night. Maybe that's why I'm such an advocate of film work ... you do it once, and it's perfect, and it's captured forever. But I guess that's kinda the easy way out, huh. I don't know. I felt very disconnected from our run in general so hopefully as things pull together, I will too.

I have things to do. And all I do is sit on this computer. I'm gonna go do them.
♥