Oops.

Fucked.

Ali and I always say our lives are interesting, but Joe used the word fucked. I think it's more .. appropriate. After reading Tali and Mick' s blogs, I completely agree.

I'm not sure what I've been getting myself involved with lately. I've been going kinda crazy, in the going out kinda way. But I'm not satisfied, not one bit. I think that's what I realized last night. I have a couple of prospects, and I'm not sure if I want either of them. The reality is I can't have anything right now, because summer is coming and that's just stupid.

But the problem lies in the fact that Jay (haha, weird Tali, right?) is the only guy who immediately swept me off my feet, and I've been searching for that, and am not finding it. I mean, Seth was a completely different situation since we talked for so long before we really saw each other, and we had an established relationship when we finally did. But I want that again. And I know it will come in time, and yadda yadda. Idk. I'm just frustrated.

People started to get RA spots in Maria's Tower. Anddd I'm still on the alternate list. It's just really hard knowing people don't deserve it, yet are still being handed the position. And I don't know if I deserve it anymore than them. But I'm sick of having dreams that I got it, and sick of people talking about it constantly, and knowing that so many of my friends are gonna be working together next year in a job that I A) could really use, and B) really really want.

I'm in a bad mood. And I shouldn't be. I have an amazing summer planned, and school is wrapping up, and I'm going to Oklahoma for RHA with some of my favorite people here at school, and I'm living the dream life in New York City and have amazing friends and a wonderful family and the list keeps going.

But I'm not satisfied. And I can't figure out why.

Fuck you Dad. Fuck you for passing your moodiness on to me. I hate when you're moody for no reason and give me attitude about nothing and freak out over little things. And I hate that I inherited those qualities from you. And that I can't control them.

Fucked.